Troll 2, Jaws: The Revenge, Jason X, Knowing. These are just some of the worst films I’ve ever seen. Films that destroy the soul of the viewer, make them regret life and give them a reason to finally end it all, but is there a film as truly embarrassing and demoralising than Birdemic: Shock and Terror? This is just a straight up tragedy of cinema.
The story, if you can class it as one, involves our protagonist (Is he a protagonist? Is he evil?) Rod as he somehow gets the number of the mildly attractive Nathalie, portrayed by Actress 1 (I refuse to search her name, I refuse) on the very first attempt. He’s situated in a restaurant and as she leaves he runs up to her and reminds her that they went to high school together. At this moment in time I questioned the absurdity of their encounter, but it’s the simplicity that he gets her number that really blows my mind. They supposedly haven’t seen each other in years (SIDESTORY: Is Rod a conniving so-and-so preying on innocent, dumb women?) and yet he gets her number for absolutely no reason at all.
Rod then, after he enthusiastically sells some software, rings her from inside his car to tell her the news and ask about a possible date. What a coincidence is it that she’s just on her way home, too? The two discuss their clichéd, terrible lives and eventually come to a decision – DINNER! How thrilling? Anyway, Rod tells Nathalie about his incredibly boring and awful life and she falls heads over heels for the man. There’s actually a scene that had me in tears (I’m not sure of which variety) in which Nathalie tells Rod about “Alex”. Of course before it is revealed who exactly Alex is, Rod goes freaking mental, raising his voice and shouting “COME ON! LET ME SEE IT” Who is Alex, you ask? Alex is a cat. Unfortunately for the audience, and me a massive cat lover (I love you, Felix!) Alex is never introduced past his glowing photograph that our stereotypical female lead presents.
Next up is Nathalie’s mum. She’s a lovely woman it seems from her small scenes, but someone who you’d imagine may be more concerned with making sandwiches as opposed to surviving a BIRD APOCALYPSE(!!!!!!) Right now you’re asking yourself if you read that correctly. Of course the answer is yes. Rod and Nathalie, after a quite steamy encounter, end up in a motel. The motel of their dreams, a true paradise, where… BIRDS ATTACK (!!!!!!) These are not just any sort of birds; they are eagles and vultures arisen from the deeply frustrating (and predictable) global warming bullshit that our asshole protagonist is in fact informed of by a quite sweet, but shy man. Rod gets his solar panels yadda yadda, but what do they do? THEY CERTAINLY DON’T STOP THE BIRDS FROM DEVOURING HUMAN BLOOD AND SPITTING INFECTIOUS THINGS (YEAH!!!!!)
This is where Birdemic: Shock and Terror really kicks off. Hold on, something I need to say before. Can we get rid of the Shock and Terror sub-title please? It really ruins the gushing, terrifying power of the piece, almost making it into a self-parody that is only there for comedic purposes. Anyway, where was I? Birds attacking? All kicking off? So, basically, Rod and Nathalie have just got it on. They both wake up wearing the same percentage of clothes they had on previous to their steamy sequence and eagle sounds can be heard from outside.
Actually, there is this breathtaking moment of cinematic history in which we see these birds flying (floating? Yeah, it’s more like floating) and it looks for a moment like they are DROPPING BOMBS. Well, I’m about to drop a bomb right here and there: Birdemic is the most bizarre, lethal and jaw-dropping piece of cinema I’ve ever witnessed. Everything that happens after is of the mesmerising variety. We are witnessed to frantic, spine-tingling sequences of terror that will have you biting your nails and they will no doubt make your ears bleed. Ears bleed? What do you mean?
Birdemic is not the glorious piece of film-making for all its batshit-insane-don’t-give-a-fuck-what-on-earth-are-we-making-holy-shit-can-we-make-it-even-more-fucking-mental attitude; its brilliance is for the simple fact that it’s a fucking disaster technically. Audio dips and is barely audible in every sequence, lighting is inconsistent and the soundtrack…oh my god…the soundtrack is absolutely abysmal.
It is a thing of utter amazement that Birdemic kept my interest for so long. It’s largely due in part to my brain having fell out and melted by the half way mark, but still, that’s no excuse for me enjoying this steaming, lethargic piece of horse-shit. This is a disaster right from Rod’s slanted TV in his kitchen to the wind on the beach, from the AK47 onslaught to the Tree Hugger (I have no fucking idea) and back. There is simply only one word to describe Birdemic and it is atrocious. I hope I never have to sit through a film like this ever again.
This has been Lee Burke, a film fanatic, questioning not only his sanity, but the state of the world we live in. Fuck it all, fuck it.